straight no chaser

2003-01-18T22:53:00.000-08:00

i am not a pretty girl
that is not what i do
i ain't no damsel in distress
and i don't need to be rescued
so put me down punk
maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair
isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

i am not an angry girl
but it seems like i've got everyone fooled
every time i say something they find hard to hear
they chalk it up to my anger
and never to their own fear
and imagine you're a girl
just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they'd prefer you
were dirty and smiling

and i am sorry
i am not a maiden fair
and i am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

and generally my generation
wouldn't be caught dead working for the man
and generally i agree with them
trouble is you gotta have yourself an alternate plan
and i have earned my disillusionment
i have been working all of my life
and i am a patriot
i have been fighting the good fight
and what if there are no damsels in distress
what if i knew that and i called your bluff?
don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down
whether or not you ever show up

i am not a pretty girl
i don't want to be a pretty girl
no i want to be more than a pretty girl
-ani difranco

always be there face i live with
always be there face i live with
abscess memory with broken fingers
all the fallen down angels
raw pain distress it's all in the way we know
that we could have it all some satellites
of pain can't always be ignored
war on all sides war on all sides
drink life as it comes
straight no chaser
straight no chaser
drink life as it comes
straight no chaser
climb inside you away from strangers
building a system of alleys and
motorways
it's all in the way that we know
we could have it all some satellites
of pain can't always be ignored
it's all in the face of what we thought
we knew before war on all sides
war on all sides keep on driving
hair left morning wet
there's nothing like losing you
there's nothing like losing you
there's nothing like losing you
there's nothing like losing you
-bush

well, that is it. the end of my blogging career. thanks.

2002-12-27T16:25:00.000-08:00

Ok, I am going to do a year in review. Perhaps this will end my blogging career forever. Or perhaps it won't.

Um, well I tried to do a month by month like last year but I don't really feel like doing that. I'll just point out major events.

I touched Gavin Rossdale in 2002. That pretty much sums up my year.

There was more. Dave came to replace V. Dave, Dave, Dave. What a wonderful person to come into my life at such a horrible time. Mica was my savior on a few accounts. Laura, Michaela, Rachel, Xanthy - you were all key players in my year. All my epitaphers - words can't describe how I feel about Epitaph. And no, that wasn't a sappy "I love it all" reference. I just don't think there are words that can display the way I hated going into the Epitaph room to see bitter stares, angry voices, cocky ideas, stupid jokes and really unfunny humor. All I have to say is I'm so glad that is over. What an experience. Stef - It must have been tough juggling all those personas. You amuse me with your wackiness. I'm glad we made it alive through our Gangstas Paradise. Maureen - a constant of goodness in my life. Weezer = WOO! Second row! Erin - you rock. I love you. Thanks for being everything I needed. Whisper - my dear, I love you. You provide a whole change of pace in my world. Thank goodness for you.

And now I have Amy. My Johnny, where would I be without Amy? Lost in Oregon. I'd be sitting in my dorm doing nothing. A-Team has been the greatest thing of my college experience thus far. Janelle - my Elle! What a crazy girl. I love you. All my Morton geeks - you are college for me.

2002 has been the year with the most impact in my life. It was a turbulent year. I went from being extremely happy to depressed in a few short months. Maybe I was never really as happy as I thought or wanted to be. Most of my year was spent being a third wheel, being blamed for things I had no control over, being made fun of, mocked, months were spent pining over the one who broke my heart (and who's heart I broke as well). I lost many friends along the way. I went through phases of hurt and pain that I never want to experience again. Somedays I hated everything yet didn't even have anyway to express it. My friends were limited and none of them were the kind of friend that I could pour my heart to. I lacked a single heart to heart friend for most of the year. Then I went to college and found people I could truly trust. I was able to let the months of pain and avoidance and hurt and angry slide because I found the people I had been looking for.

I grew unbelievably as a person this year. It has been quite a trip. Tough but rewarding. Looking back it was a year that I needed. A forced change from someone so desperate for close friends and love, someone who couldn't trust, who said the wrong things, who didn't know what to do or say, who didn't know what they wanted. Now I'm a strong, independent and actually happy person. Cutting ties with the people I did in 2002 wasn't easy, but necessary. My life would be so different if I hadn't had the trouble I did this year. I wouldn't recognize how capable I am. There are many things I went through and felt this year that no one really knows about. It was a year of silent pain and issues, but here I am. Strong, independent, honest and open.

Goodbye 2002. Thanks for it all.

2002-12-27T15:34:00.000-08:00

I've been home for over two weeks now. College seems so distant these days. I think of people from school and it seems like a dream. My mind doesn't understand what is going on. I was placed into a completely different situation in September and now I'm back in California. It seems lke no time has passed since leaving for school, but at the same time it feels like years. Everything is completely different, even if it hasn't changed at all. I see everything in a new light.
There are a few conclusions I've discovered while home.

- I can't imagine eating meat ever again.
- I don't want to live in any part of California again in my life. Out of the country would probably suit me best.
- Um, yeah, that's all I want to share.

Home is such a weird thing. I love how I feel at school. It's my home. Home in California is more or less the place where my mail comes. I like being here but I hate it too. I get asked the same pointless questions by everyone, I get treated like a little kid, I just don't feel like it's where I belong. As long as I live, I'll always be the little kid with my family. The only way to avoid staying the little kid in actions and mind is to distance myself as much as possible. I'm doing that. I left the state for school, I try to make it clear that I am an adult and don't need to be babysat. Leaving for school is weird because I'm growing so much but my parents aren't there everyday to see that. My brother stayed around so they were able to see every little progession. With me it's only every few months that they can see how I'm growing and changing. I'm glad I left.

2002-12-14T22:45:00.000-08:00

i'm done! and i'm home.

now it's poetry time.

you were in my dream last night
it felt so real
i woke up hoping that i hadn't dreamt
that you were next to me
holding me
telling me what you had said

first glance thrill
with every glance
interest sparked
with each passing moment
gazing eyes
racing hearts
trembling hands
cautious moves to show desire
walking with thoughts elsewhere
sitting close
feeling closer
best intentions not good enough
strong notions
weak motions
when will this love get going

well, that's the poetry for tonight.

it's odd being home because most people aren't yet. i saw maureen yesterday and we had way fun. today was very stormy and i ran around with my mom. tonight i played backgammon with my daddy. it's fun to play but it makes me miss amy! :( it feels like a million years since i've seen her but it's only been 2 days. boo. oh well, i got her a really cool random gift that i plan on mailing tomorrow. or monday. soon. i can't wait until more college kiddies come home. then i'll have more people to play with. like natalie! woo! that'll be crazy. and stef! woo! then fun will begin soon.

until then i shall, um, well, i don't know. listen to the rain and take lots of pictures. yay. it's nice being home for more than two jam packed days. i have many things to do but now i at least have time to do it all. mmmmmm, yeah. now i go away from my blog.

listening to: the awesome cd that AMY!! made me

2002-12-05T14:21:00.000-08:00

oh, dude, they play maroon5 on channel 1049. that's crazy. i didn't realize they were a radio band. now my favorite little band is going to become big and sell out like mxpx. aw, that sucks.

2002-12-05T14:18:00.000-08:00

i have three classes left until i'm done with my first term of college. isn't that mind baffling? where did the time go? ten weeks ago i was just coming to school and i had no idea what to expect. now this is my home. i have wonderful friends, a good environment and endless fun to be had. this has been wonderful.

i haven't blogged in a while. here's a basic summary of what has happened since my last blog.

- went home for thanksgiving, which was good. i got to see basically everyone i wanted to see. crazy times. winter break should be fun. hopefully i don't go insane from having parents again. i don't think i will. played with my guy a lot. i miss him. :(
- bought a cool orangina poster
- bought a really cool drawing that has four types of drinks and at the bottom it says, "straight, no chaser." i love it so much.
- paul (the guy that looks like colin farrell in my socio class) sat next to me in class. he's so dreamy.
- i'm getting an a in history.
- i got a b on an astronomy test. whoa. then i got a d on the next one. boo. hopefully i get a c in that class. it's just not anything i'm interested in.
- my schedule for next term is ok, but two days a week i start at 8:30... in the morning! ah! crazy. that's like 3 am for me. but i have to because my sign up time was the last day and i couldn't get any better classes. i'm a pre-journalism major and i couldn't get into any journalism classes. how lame is that? this sucks. now i'm behind in my major declaration requirements. perhaps i'll major in socio because that department seems to have enough classes for everyone. silly school of journalism. i pay $20,000 a year and can't get into any classes i want. fucking lame.
- got some awesome cds. the new matchbox twenty cd is awesome. i burned the new pearl jam and david gray cds from my dad. both great. and i bought the new beck which is cool. so many cds, so little time.

now i shall go study for my last journalism test. YAY.

listening to: weezer, pinkerton

2002-11-14T22:30:00.000-08:00

Your name of Abigail creates an intense desire for association with people and new experiences, many of which have been rather bitter. This name has given you a gregarious personality and a quick-thinking, creative, and versatile nature, but one that is unstable emotionally. You desire change and travel and would enjoy opportunities that allowed you to be creative and to act independently, rather than to conform to system and routine. However, this name does not allow you to complete your undertakings, as farther fields always look greener. Although you may appear confident and positive, you actually lack confidence and feel self-conscious at times. This name spoils patience and depth of thought, and weakens your stand in matters of principle. You are too open to suggestion, and thus you could become involved in detrimental associations which could lead you into by-paths of thrill-seeking or emotional indulgence. Any weakness in your health would appear in the fluid functions as kidney, bladder, or circulatory problems. or in a sensitivity affecting your stomach.

wow, that's pretty true. cool.

2002-11-10T12:22:00.000-08:00

a few things to say in a somewhat incoherent manner.

the thing with the guys upstairs was just a misunderstanding. it seems that josh was feeling he didn't study enough so he didn't interact that much this week. things have worked out now.

last night amy, josh and pejhmon got very drunk and josh was sick all night. i didn't really interact with them too much since i was sober and it's not the most fulfilling thing spending time and trying to 'bond' with drunk people. so i sat in my room alone most of the night watching trading spaces. it was funny because they were showing episodes where the people hated the rooms. anyway, it was an odd night and i hope things aren't like that again. it made me realize i really need some friends outside of the hall because i am going to get really sick of this routine every weekend. last night was the first time in about 7 weeks that i wanted to go home. i'm glad i wasn't home and i'm not sure where that was coming from but i just didn't want to be here anymore. thanksgiving will be nice. i spent a good amount of time with janelle, ethan and cami last night. they are all way cool. cami and josh should hook up. i've been thinking this for weeks. things might get moving with that now because the seed has been planted in both parties. it's been really nice having the room to myself. it feels like my room back at home. that could have had a part in my desire to go home. it felt like i should be with people i know at home because i was alone. that feeling has passed and i'm content to be here. phew.

mm. i guess that's all. oh my computer was freaking out again last night. damn thing. i don't understand. i think it has something to do with burning cds. perhaps i will stop that. yeah.

the end.

listening to: sarah mclachlan, fumbling towards ecstasy (i missed this little thing so i'm going to start it again)

2002-11-10T12:11:00.000-08:00

Hey your glass is empty,
it's a hell of a long way home,
Why don't you let me take you,
it's no good to go alone,
I never would have opened up
but you seemed so real to me,
After all the bullshit I've heard
it's refreshing not to see,
I don't have to pretend,
she doesn't expect it from me

So don't tell me I
haven't been good to you,
Don't tell me I
haven't been there for you
Just tell me why
nothing is good enough

Hey little girl would you like some candy,
your momma said that it's o.k.,
The door is open come on outside,
no I can't come out today,
It's not the wind that cracked your shoulder
and threw you to the ground,
Who's there that makes you so afraid
you're shaken to the bone,
You know I don't understand,
you deserve so much more than this

So don't tell me why
he's never been good to you,
Don't tell me why
he's never been there for you,
And I'll tell you that why
is simply not good enough,
So just let me try
and I will be good to you
Just let me try
and I will be there for you,
I'll show you why
you're so much more than good enough

-sarah mclachlan

2002-11-09T02:07:00.000-08:00

ok. i don't know what my emotion is right now. it's not a bad emotion. it's a good one. i suppose. i don't know. i guess my whole friday thing is ringing true again.

this really isn't the place i want to talk about it so i'm going to write in my real journal. woo.

have a good weekend y'all.

2002-11-07T14:23:00.000-08:00

mmmm. thursday.
so far my week is going by ok. i got an a on my last history essay - a task i had deemed impossible. i'm quite proud of that a. today was another history test but i don't know how i did on it. sometimes i think the grading thing is random. on all but one essay i've gotten a b+. oh well, that's still good. my socio midterm was cool too, even though i was ONE question away from an a. grrr. but i did get an a on my paper so i have an a in the class and that makes me happy. mass media is ok but i think i would do better if i read. i got an a on the terms test and a c on the things to know test. a b average. astronomy is dull. i have no motivation to do well. hopefully i get motivated because i can't fail that class. yeah.
last night i went to dinner with amy and jon. we went to a really nice place downtown. the "nicest restruant in eugene." it's odd how the nice perspective changes from area to area. anyway it was a great meal and we had a nice conversation. getting away from campus was a great thing to do. we went to fred meyer's too and on a liquor run. it's just been a chill week.
the only unchill thing is the weird vibes coming from people upstairs. amy and i have been getting cut off from some of the guys but we don't know why. josh called us "hallrats" even though we aren't there that much. we haven't gone upstairs all week other than to see someone specific for a very short amount of time. it's so weird that there are weird vibes from them. i really don't understand what it up. i wasn't that close to any of the guys... amy was much closer but it's still disconcerning that they just turned against us so quickly and so unexplainedly. hopefully things work themselves out becuase it's not cool. it's not drama, it's just oddness. i won't get involved with drama and if they want drama, well then no.

it'll be nice to have the room to myself but i won't be in here much this weekend. if i had a someone special i'd sure be excited about this weekend. but eh, whatever. marie and i get along so it's not anything TOO exciting.

ok. that's all for now. goodbye.

2002-11-03T22:22:00.000-08:00

find your inner PIE @ stvlive.com

2002-11-03T17:13:00.000-08:00

Which Disney Princess are you?

2002-11-03T15:20:00.000-08:00

oMy. last night was fun. erin and i had some fun last night. we chilled with ethan and joe and them, which is very different than with john, josh, pejhmon and amy. it was cool to have some variety. it was a waaaaaay fun weekend. next weekend will be fucking great since just about everyone is going to be drinking. wooo!

MAROON5 IS AMAZING. i love them. and i LOVE something corporate too. ah. so fucking great.

2002-11-02T16:14:00.000-08:00

A- Age: 18
B-Best Friend(s): maureen, amy
C-Choice of Meat: i'm a vegetarian
D-Dream Date: tim... anywhere
E-Exciting Adventure: europe
F-Favorite Food: pasta with chipotle cream sauce and soybeans (yummy!!!)
G-Greatest Accomplishment: making it this far and looking back and being able to say, "damn, that was awesome"
H-Happiest Days of your life: everyday i spend with my friends
I-Interests: backgammon. music. chilling.
K-Kool-Aid: um. i don't like kool-aid. too much sugar.
L-Love: pete yorn, amy, maureen, grilled cheese from in 'n out, alotta's!!!, oregon, the people in my hall
M-Most Valued: myself
N-Name: abby
O-Outfit you love: jeans and a shirt, a sweatshirt or sweater if it is cold. anything comfy
P-Pizza toppings: cheese and olives
Q-Question asked to you the most: what are you majoring in?
R-Radio Station: oregon has poor radio stations. in cali i listen to kfog
S-Sport: watching soccer
T-Television Show: gilmore girls and er
U-Unusual habits: mm. i don't know
V-Video: ghost world
W-Winter: wooooo! i love it!
X-X-ray: teeth.
Y-Year born: 1984
Z-Zodiac Sign: libra

ok, that was somewhat fun. halloween was WAY fun. we didn't go to a party... the party was all here. :) last night i went to ani difranco with amy and it was awesome. she's so talented. then we talked to brad and john for over an hour. it was enjoyable. then we went to bed. amy left this morning for portland. it's not that long so it's ok. i did laundry and ate lunch and went to the record store.
i bought:
-maroon5 "songs about jane"
-josh rouse "under cold blue stars"
-ani difranco "life in clip"
-pete yorn "live at the roxy"
-beck "sea changes"

i hope they are all good. i felt like spending money and getting new cds. so i did. it's the little things like that that make my life happy. i've spent hardly any money here since i don't have to pay for food or anything like that. this was the first time since i came to oregon that i bought new cds. that's 6 weeks! a very long time for abby. i preordered the new robbie cd. WOO! i listened to some tracks online and they are great. i ordered something corporate too. they won't come until after november 26th, but that's ok. robbie doesn't come out for a few weeks and i bought the import. i like imports better than the us release cds. i don't know why but that's just my thing.

it's been pretty cold here lately. dropping to the teens at night and highs in the 50's in the days. i'm glad i have sweaters and that i like the cold. it still hasn't rained though. it's very odd since it's now november. maybe i brought a little california to oregon. or maybe it's just a dry year. dry and cold. eh, i know the rain is coming soon.

the dorm is pretty quiet today. most people are working. and the people that aren't working went somewhere. i don't included much because i don't make the effort. i'm pretty introverted these days. i spend most of my time with amy and the guys but they are all gone so i'm alone. tonight erin and i are drinking. woo! more people will probably join in. john and hopefully tim.

abby is feeling wonderful emotionally. i feel stable and i've gotten beyond several things that bothered me about me. such as my jealousy. and my fear of trusting. and paranoia.i just feel like things are good. no - great.

now i shall go and listen to maroon5 more. I LOVE THEM. they are fucking awesome. thanks natalie for mentioning them a few months back. :)

2002-10-30T19:59:00.000-08:00

ok. i keep having fragmented posts because something comes up and i leave. i left to go to dinner and the liquor store and goodwill with amy and jon. we are probably going to go to a party with david, jon's "friend with benefits." it seems like jon really likes this guy. i hope things work out with them. :) jon bought a cute skirt. i bought a blazer and shirt and amy bought a shirt and pants. we're going to use jon's ties. it'll be pretty damn awesome. woo.

anyway, i am not ready for a relationship. at dinner jon was filling me and amy in on the hall gossip. there are quite a bunch of hormones running around. i'm not involved in any of it. i'm a complete onlooker. it's really nice. i mean, sure, it'd be cool to have a person to interested in me. but yeah. it's less complicated this way. jesse is way not interested anymore. he was talking to a girl today and didn't give me the time of day. surprisingly, i am not as jealous as i thought i would be. i'm jealous about everything but this is fine. i'm glad to have the situation resolve itself without me having to do anything. i can just play dumb and watch it fade away. passive, yes, i am. but i think most people are essentially. who would want to purposely be mean to anyone? well, some disturb people probably would. but not me. i don't like the drama crap. i really need to focus my energy into something more productive. this whole worrying and trying to find someone crap is useless. i think i will take a photography class at the craft center next term. that'd be helpful.

mmm. yeah. well i have a couple of tests tomorrow and whisper is going to call me sometime soon (yay! i haven't talked to her much since i came up here. i miss her. we got way close and i miss our fun times. woo!).
ooooooooooooooooooook. that's all. bye!

2002-10-30T17:25:00.000-08:00

fuck that. there's no way in hell i am ready for any sort of meaningful relationship. i'm quite unstable right now. i hate this time of year. i hate this week. this week is always hell for me. this is the week that ended my emotional sanity last year. saturday i am getting beyond drunk. ok, probably not. but john and i are drinking. pejhmon, amy, and josh are going home. maybe tim will partake in the drinking. mmmmmm. he's so yummy.

2002-10-30T13:19:00.000-08:00

ok, i am going to contradict myself. monday i went on and on about how i didn't want a relationship because of the reasons i listed. the reasons were and are still good reasons, but i'm craving a relationship. i see these people and they seem so happy to have a hand to hold and person to call up and talk to. i'm feeling really good about myself and my friends and everything in my life. why not have a relationship? i am terribly afraid of getting hurt because my last relationship hurt me more than it should have and more than anyone knew. but i'm over that. i'm ready to have something with depth and meaning. i want an intelligent, passionate and witty guy. that's what i'm looking for right now. someone i can have a deep conversation with, someone with a little romance and creativity and someone who can make me laugh. and i want someone to hold my hand and give me a giant bear hug. that's really what i want. some affection. in cali i didn't really want this. i loved my freedom over the summer to have a fling, to spend all my time with my friends before leaving. but now i'm here. i want more than a fling. i want more. i want a connection. but this isn't something that i can just say, "hey, i want a guy to get involved with." i don't want to rush into something with just anyone because i want a relationship. i want someone more than just the first person i see when i go outside for class. i'm probably being silly and unrealistic, but i deserve this. last year was fucking horrible for my romantic confidence and it took me a long time to get over it. i don't think people realize how hard it was. i know they don't realize because i never talked about it. i talked a little about it with amy last week and it felt so good being able to say what happened without falling back. i didn't feel the aching anymore. she told me to get drunk this weekend with jon because he'd understand. he would. i might do that. but anyway, i want something. i feel ready for this.

i got another stupid b+ on my history essay. it's really starting to piss me off. it's impossible to get an a. i guess i must accept that.

ok, amy just stopped by and we are going to find jon. so yeah.

2002-10-28T22:59:00.000-08:00

i went home over the weekend. it was very odd. i felt like it wasn't really my home anymore. i missed all my friends back here. i missed my room and the food and the atmosphere.

but it was awesome to see maureen and to see my pets and my family. and the concert was great. foo fighters were the best. tencious d was really good too. the whole thing was good. a tad cold but well worth it.

it feels great to be back. amy picked me up from the airport and even had a welcome back sign. it was cool.

today i rushed out of sociology to avoid jesse talking to me. i feel bad. it's not that i don't want to talk to him because i bet he's interesting and would be a good friend. but i don't want more. i can't handle more. and i don't think that the message i sent at first. he didn't call tonight, woo, but yeah. i hate being mean. i've had many people treat me like crap and i just can't do it to others. i feel like i'm being mean to him. but leading him on is mean too. i wish he would call so we could just talk. i am not ready for a relationship. i really couldn't handle it. i'm having too much fun and still adjusting to everything. being in a relationship would be way hard. and i don't want one. it's just not something i desire. i don't see the point in going out with someone right now. i'm not going to marry this person and in the end i'd just get hurt. why bother? so i have to talk to jesse so i don't seem like such a bitch. i'm not a bitch. sometimes a tease, sometimes not. i don't know. it's a bleh situation.

amy and i played backgammon for almost 2 hours tonight. it was way intense. the last games were silent. we were all focused and it was rather amusing. i kicked her ass hard in a few games and she kicked mine a couple times. it was good times.

i love oregon. i love everything about it.

2002-10-28T22:50:00.000-08:00

You are 26% geek

You are a geek liaison, which means you go both ways. You can hang out with normal people or you can hang out with geeks which means you often have geeks as friends and/or have a job where you have to mediate between geeks and normal people. This is an important role and one of which you should be proud. In fact, you can make a good deal of money as a translator.

Normal: Tell our geek we need him to work this weekend.

You [to Geek]: We need more than that, Scotty. You'll have to stay until you can squeeze more outta them engines!

Geek [to You]: I'm givin' her all she's got, Captain, but we need more dilithium crystals!

You [to Normal]: He wants to know if he gets overtime.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

2002-10-22T21:35:00.000-07:00

wow, two blogs in two days. amazing!

today was interesting. at dinner josh told me how he ended his relationship with justin. justin is a very very annoying kid that lives with john and who lives across the hall from pejhmon and josh. justin was supposed to be moving out today but is not as of right now. dude, i can't even explain how annoying this kid is. right, anyway, josh last night told justin that he didn't want him to talk to him and is won't talk to him. josh was not nice to justin or anything but still had some interaction with the guy. but now there is nothing, which is probably for the better. it just seems like, "wow, josh just ended a relationship... i could probably do that too." i've had some shit ass relationships with people in my life and looking back it would have been much better for me to just end them rather than try to obsess and fix them. it seems so obvious now - if something is making you miserable, you should try to get rid of that. i don't deserve crappyness in my life. so thanks to josh, i will now try my absolute hardest to keep negative relationships out of my life.

yeah, i didn't go to mass media today because amy and i were getting my pictures from the weekend. they are really funny. well worth missing class.

brad is hot. very hot.

alright, i should go and do something productive, such as read or do study. ok. the end.

2002-10-21T23:24:00.000-07:00

why, hello out there.

yeah, my birthday was pretty dang awesome. friday night amy and i decided to have a little something before we went bowling with josh and pejhmon. so we took a few shots and went bowling. i kicked ass. i scored 105, which was way higher than anyone else and i was tipsy. i'm proud. then we came back and josh and pejhmon decided they too would like to drink. so we finished the bottle of jack. janelle and i had talked about going to a party that night and kim said there was a party pretty close to campus that was supposed to be good, so a bunch of us wandered over there to check it out. oh! but before we left i had a nice chat with brad, who oozes sexyness. dude, i'm not kidding. this guy... ah. anyway, we went to find this party but there was no party. jon (sweater jon) was going to this other party but the guy didn't want all of us there so said we couldn't come but then called kim back on the cell phone (that jon used to call so that's how he had the number) and said we could come but when we got there he realized that we were all underage and so only erin stayed for reasons unknown to me. so there was some odd tension in the group because josh, john and pejhmon all like amy. and pejhmon and amy were "bonding" so john was getting jealous and then josh was made at john for being mad and i was worried that my bday was going to suck and amy was, well, just tipsy and slightly out of it. things worked themselves out, as they always do, but it was just odd. not bad odd, just odd.
saturday, which was my actual birthday, was so much fun. i got my ears pierced again and the place did it for free because it was my 18th birthday. it was a cool place. they used a needle, which is good since guns aren't good for ears. then we (me, amy and pejhmon) went on a two hour liquor run with jon. that was fun. very fun. and then we came back, had some dinner, ate some of the cake that my parents ordered for me through the school. then amy and i started drinking orangina and vodka. that was way good. then about an hour (and two drinks later) we got john and josh to come and drink with us. i played backgammon with john and lost. i play quite a bit of backgammon these days. woo. then pejhmon came down and started drinking. then he and josh went upstairs and made hot chocolate and some sort of really high proof alcohol and drank that. it was a pretty dang fun night. erin got really wasted and josh was pretty gone and pejhmon kept seeing double and i was just happy. very happy. i took 3 rolls of film that night. i'm interested to see how that will turn out. my mom is going to see all these pictures of everyone i hang out with drunk and drinking. it'll make a great first impression. ha ha ha. nah, they are good kids. i love my buddies. pejhmon joined a-team under the name apej. it's cool, he's cool. it's still mostly amy and i though.
amy is way awesome. i can't imagine how my time would be spent if i didn't know her. she's so cool. we can just laugh and talk and do nothing for hours. she's definately one of the coolest people i have ever met. i really value our friendship. it's so odd how quickly we've gotten to know each other. there are people i've known for years that i don't feel as comfortable with. it's so unexplainably cool meeting someone and becoming friends with someone that is just about everything you look for in a friend. i trust her and feel like i can say what i mean and really feel. i don't have to alter my image or thoughts for her. plus she's a vegetarian so i can talk about how gross meat it. haha. ah. she's just an awesome person, even if she did suggest we drink on a sunday... (don't worry, i don't have class until 2 on mondays... and it wasn't that much...) :D
i realized this weekend that i am just friends with all these guys. at first i was like, "dude, i want more." but now i don't. i don't find any of them even attractive anymore. they are all just friends. it's a weird thing for me since i have such issues with this sort of thing. but yeah, i love it. i love the fact that i know nothing will happen because it just won't. i can't imagine being more than friends with any of these guys. i love their friendship and they really bring a lot to my life. it's fun and great and woo. i've realized i've made huge progress in several areas that i was previously very unstable with. such as guys being friends. and trusting people. and opening up. and knowing myself. and not being as psychotically jealous. i fully comprehend that everyone has different relationships with everyone and it's not a competition to see who can have the best and closest relationship. i know what i want and how much i need and how much effort i am willing to put toward these people - and i realize that my level of friendship with these people is unique and special, even if someone else spends more time with someone. it's all good.

i can't believe how much fun i am having. all my silly worries about college were wrong. i absolutely love it here. this is exactly what i needed.

alright, i have quite a bit of reading to do before my test on thursday and class tomorrow so i should go do that.

OH! mike, the ra that i am so attracted to it's not even funny, is in my sociology class. it took four weeks but i realized it. dude, how cool! i have to sit near him during some class. that's just too fucking cool.

2002-10-15T13:33:00.000-07:00

YAY.

i got an a on my first test in mass media!!!! woo!!! my first college test, and i got an a.

college is amazing. i am having nothing but fun. my birthday should be awesome. jon (sweater guy) said he'd buy me some alcohol because he is 21. so tomorrow we are going to the grocery store with amy (more about her in a minute) to buy some. yay! i really hope jon drinks with us too because he is SOOO awesome. he is nice and funny and just awesome.
so amy is my super bestest pal here. she is a sophomore that lives on the second floor. she is so nice and funny and we talk about all sorts of crap. she taught me backgammon and we just have crazy fun. we are the a-team. yes, silly. amy and i get along very well and it's nice to have such a good friend here.
i also have the "girls club" with consists of me, erin and amy. erin is cool. she lives on my floor. i love the girls club, but i love the a-team more. it's just easier with two people. i've had a LOT of triads in my life and that's just so unstable. but girls club is fun too.
all the people i know are remarkably cool. we hang out in a large group quite a bit. from upstairs it's john (not sweater guy jon), josh, pejhmon, cedar, will. they are pretty cool guys.
last weekend jill, erin and i went to a couple malls and to see red dragon. jill has a car so yay. that was neat. later we watched silence of the lambs. both were very good good good movies. if you haven't already, go see them.
college is cool. it's a lot of hanging out and working. it's like two weeks of high school life condensed into two days. it's intense, but not really more stressful for me. it's just awesome. fun. i love it.

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2002-10-07T22:55:00.000-07:00

so hot sweater guy is gay. that's cool. he's a very nice and funny and easy going guy and he is amazing on the piano.

i am having a wonderful time. it's more fun than i thought it'd be.

now i shall go.

2002-10-03T11:07:00.000-07:00

ok, i have about 37 minutes to write about oregon so far. i don't know if i'll use all this time to write but i have it. then i have to leave for history. anyway, i love oregon. the weather is just what i like. it's not hot so i'm not stinky and sweaty. it's brisk and i get to wear layers and sweatshirts. yay. and it's so easy to sleep at night because it's cold and it's just super cool. yeah. i also love the food. it's so easy to eat yummy and healthy stuff when you don't have to prepare it. there are so many options as to where i can eat. i can eat at barnhart, which is the athlete's dorm, or carson for buffet types of things. or i can have pizza at bean or coffee house type foods or hamburgers (gardenburgers) or whatever i want.

dude, i really want to blog but i'm too distracted with aim people. so i guess i will blog more later.

2002-09-29T16:45:00.000-07:00

i'm in oregon. it's going fine. the weather is good. the people are nice. my roommate is cool. ok, i will write more when i want to. bye.

2002-09-16T17:37:00.000-07:00

i wrote too much today. i think i won't blog until i get to school. this is too much blogging. jeez.

2002-09-16T17:25:00.000-07:00

i didn't realize i was highly paranoid and schizoid. that's a little weird. i'm psycho! :D

Paranoid
Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships with others. They search for hidden meanings in everything and read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones and often appear cold and distant to others. They usually shift blame to others and tend to carry long grudges.

some parts of that are very true about me, others not so much. i wouldn't say i was highly paranoid...

Schizoid
People with schizoid personality disorder avoid relationships and do not show much emotion. They genuinely prefer to be alone and do not secretly wish for popularity. They tend to seek jobs that require little social contact. Their social skills are often weak and they do not show a need for attention or acceptance. They are perceived as humorless and distant and often are termed "loners."

haha, this is true too. although i do have a few friends. interesting though.

Schizotypal
Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow.

i do isolate myself from people. but not everyone. do i have over elaborate speech? i don't think so. i couldn't if i tried.

Antisocial
A common misconception is that antisocial personality disorder refers to people who have poor social skills. The opposite is often the case. Instead, antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of conscience. People with this disorder are prone to criminal behavior, believing that their victims are weak and deserving of being taken advantage of. They tend to lie and steal. Often, they are careless with money and take action without thinking about consequences. They are often agressive and are much more concerned with their own needs than the needs of others.

i have a conscience! i do think about my needs a lot more than others because people leave me, so if i worry all about them and they leave, what am i left with? it's just a self preservation technique for me. i need to have myself whole all the time, with just me, because i never know when i'll be left again. i don't steal though. or make big lies. this category isn't cool. haha.

Borderline
Borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often, they will take their anger out on themselves, causing themselves injury. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. They think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met.

ok, i agree with this. i'm stable with moods. i don't injury myself. i don't see in black and white. i'm not quick to anger, except watching soccer games with blind ref assistants. haha.

Histrionic
People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to discribe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provacatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. They also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative.

ok, i disagree with this one. i hate attention and i certainly don't think that everyone loves me. dude, i don't dress provacatively and i don't fake illness. attention and abby don't mix well. this one i really don't agree with.

Narcissistic
Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by self-centeredness. Like histrionic disorder, people with this disorder seek attention and praise. They exaggerate their achievements, expecting others to recongize them as being superior. They tend to be choosy about picking friends, since they believe that not just anyone is worthy of being their friend. They tend to make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are generally uninterested in the feelings of others and may take advantage of them.

i'm picky about friends and have trouble maintaining long lasting relationships, but that's all i agree with in this category. actually, all my friends these days i've been friends with for at least 3 years. that's a long relationship, isn't it? there i go seeking attention and praise... (i'm being sarcastic). i don't take advatage of the feelings of others. that's mean.

Avoidant
Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. They are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidant people yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.

i don't have social anxiety, but i do avoid people. haha. i'm not depressed and don't have low self confidence. this is part is true.

Dependent
Dependent personality disorder is characterized by a need to be taken care of. People with this disorder tend to cling to people and fear losing them. They may become suicidal when a break-up is imminent. They tend to let others make important decisions for them and often jump from relationship to relationship. They often remain in abusive relationships. They are overly sensitive to disapproval. They often feel helpless and depressed.

dude, so true. i'm not dependent. i'm the opposite. i get away from abusive relationships. i don't let other decide for me. i'm not clingly or afraid of losing people. this one gets me approval because i am low in this category.

Obsessive-Compulsive
Obsessive-Compulsive personality disorder is similar to obsessive-compulsive anxiety disorder. People with this disorder are overly focused on orderliness and perfection. Their need to do everything "right" often interferes with their productivity. They tend to get caught up in the details and miss the bigger picture. They set unreasonably high standards for themselves and others, and tend to be very critical of others when they do not live up to these high standards. They avoid working in teams, believing others to be too careless or incompetent. They avoid making decisions because they fear making mistakes and are rarely generous with their time or money. They often have difficulty expressing emotion.

i have difficulty expressing emotion and i don't like working in teams because i think people are careless. but i don't do everything right. and i don't miss the big picture. and my standards for myself aren't too high, i can reach them with a reasonable challenge. ok.

that was an interesting use of my time. while i was typing all this a song game on my media player thing that i'm listening to and i like lyrics. i've always liked the lyrics though. i think i will post them in a minute when i find them.

I don't want you to know too much about me, oh no.
'Cause I know you'll take advantage of the words that I say.
You're looking for a way to depress me, make me pay.

You don't want me to be too close around you 'cause I would see.
All the weak sides that you got, but which you're trying to hide.
You know that I would nail you if I could nurse my pride.

You're on the top when I'm low.
As soon as you're fading I will grow.
I don't like you. You don't like me.
We're lacking energy,
yeah, we're lacking energy.

It's a mindgame we play. Rule the roost, major cliche´.
While one of us is fit the other's going insane.
And every time we think the positions will remain.

You're on the top when I'm low.
As soon as you're fading I will grow.
I don't like you. You don't like me.
We're lacking energy,
yeah, we're lacking energy.
So you got me up against the wall
and I'm only waiting for your fall.
I'll get back on top and be carefree.
It's not the end for me, no it's not the end for me.

I know we're thinking the same and our opponent's the one to blame.
Thinking this way is not something that we both longed for.
Living this way is something we never did plan.
But I don't think we will change,
'cause we're stuck in roles as other's antipoles

-millencolin

2002-09-16T17:08:00.000-07:00

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	High
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Low
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Click Here To Take The Test --

2002-09-16T16:41:00.000-07:00

woo. i've been pretty busy lately, which is why i haven't been blogging. that and i don't like blogging everyday.
on friday maureen and i went to the san fran zoo. it was neat. they had lemurs! and penguins! i love penguins. they are my favorite animal. and i like the wallabys too. it was nice in san fran - foggy and cool, common san fran weather. the zoo is neat. maureen got attacked by a goat in the children's petting zoo area. haha, it was hilarious. she bought food from the little vending food thing and the goats started gathering around her and one jumped on her and tried to get all the food. and there was this lady with the most annoying laugh in the world. it was horrible. it sounded like a psycho killer's laugh. we made fun of it in the parking lot and then realized she was sitting there. haha, oh well.
saturday maureen and i went to the ren fair. i had free tickets from borders so we went. it was crazy. people get really in to the thing. it was crowded and hot, so we didn't stay long. we got henna, which are more high matinence than i realized. they look cool though. my feet got really really dirty because i was super smart and wore sandals to a field. woo! dirt doesn't hurt though so i'm still alive. phew. i bought a hair flower garland thing so i really hope oregon has a ren day. if not i'll just wear it anyway. haha, right. i'd be cool then! it was fun though. i had never been to a ren fair so it was an experience. we saw barry there and i asked him, "are you wearing tights?" and this woman walked by and started laughing. haha. it was funny. my favorite part of the fair was the atm! that sure put me in the ren mindset. :) it was cool. you should go if you have a chance. it's every weekend until oct. 20th and it's pretty close, just in holister. ok, i didn't mean for that to sound like an ad.
last night was raj's big 'before i leave' bonfire. it was fun. we actually had a fire most of the time, unlike last time. there was the most random people there. no one yucky, it was a good group. maureen had trouble with the green glass game and snaps. haha, it was amusing. natalie was there in spirit. i was talking to her before i left and she mentioned that she wanted to go so she had me make a paper with her name on it so she could be there. i made people talk to it and took pictures of them with it. haha, we even fed her when raj, maureen and i went to denny's. we are dorky. and that makes us great. :D there was no funny cop incident, which was good, i guess. the weather was so nice. it was clear and not cold and there were a ton of stars. and the moon was bright so it was just even more pretty. it was a nice way to end things around here.
today i bought a dictionary, a thesaurus, and an encylopedia. i needed them for a long time but my mom just kept saying, "we can go next weekend" to get them. well i don't like waiting for the last minute, so i went ahead and bought them. i hate waiting for a long time to do things i can do now. i like having things done with enough time to go over it all to make sure i have what i need. i'm pretty much packed, except my pants and some shirts. i bought my mini fridge and tv yesterday. those should be helpful next year.
my windshield has a crack in it. i'm not sure how or when it happened. i noticed on my way to barnes and noble. at first i was afraid it'd break and i'd die, but now i'm not so worried. my car was filthy from the tree trimmers. i washed it myself, which i haven't done in a while. usually i use the gas station car wash because it's free and easy and i'm not too attached to my car and want it to be the cleanest thing in the world. but i didn't need gas and i didn't want to pay for it to be done so i just did it. it looks nicer now. woo.
people are tempermental sometimes. i hate when someone doubts me or turns psycho on me. that's not fun. i've grown so detached from most people this summer that i don't have problems with anyone. i just go about my everyday in a simple state of mind. it's quite peaceful. i don't have people in my life that bring me drama. or doubt me. well, i thought i didn't. i don't know, i think i'm going to give up on most people when i leave. i don't want to be dealing with people who i don't 97% like when i'm in a different state where i could find someone like them that i enjoy more. it's not that i don't enjoy the people around me now, it's just that i don't enjoy some of the crap they bring to me. if you're having a tough day or whatever don't take it out on me. people need to learn themselves. when i'm mad i don't come online or call someone up and snap at them. i deal with my issues and then get back to people when i'm not going to attack them. it's just nice that way. it avoids drama and more issues. and i'm getting annoyed by people who just ignore me. what's that about? that's not cool. just say, "i don't want to talk to you anymore." that's all i need. haha, ok, maybe not, but still. don't be nice to me and make plans and then flake out and avoid it all. not cool.
oh well. enough about that. i'm thinking that i want to be an interior designer now. but i don't know. i'll probably double major in poli sci and public relations, have some stressful job that i don't enjoy that much and live that life. why am i so cynical today?
DUUUUUUUUUUUUDE. MLS refs are so dumb sometimes. the la/sj game on saturday was horrible. both teams were playing great and it was tied the whole game and then, while COMPLETELY OFFSIDES, cobi and ruiz passed and scored. 94th minute. it was disgusting. i don't know a single person who wouldn't admit that was offsides. if we lose the top seed because of that damn game, duuuuude. not cool. at all. i almost broke the couch i was so mad. GR. it was terrible. we must kick la ass on saturday. it'll be my last game and their last game so it's the perfect time.
i thought i had all these goodbye plans this week but i don't know now. hopefully it works out.
i'm so beside myself right now. what was the problem? honestly, that irritates me.
i shall go eat cereal now because that always makes me feel better. yummy.

listening to: robbie williams

2002-09-11T23:05:00.000-07:00

lalala. i don't have much to say right now. i am leaving in two weeks. YAY. i talked to my roommate and she seems cool. she didn't have an accent and she didn't sound scary. today i went to see city by the sea with maureen. it was weird. it wasn't bad but it wasn't super great either. james franco is cute, even as a scruffy murdering drug addict. yeah, there was one really funny part and i laughed. it wasn't meant to be so funny, or maybe not at all funny, but i sure enjoyed the part. um, yeah. ok, i am done.

2002-09-08T22:26:00.000-07:00

this next blog entry is just rambling.

getting attached to anything or anyone is a risky thing. everyone approaches attachment differently. my own attachment style contradicts itself. i tend to attach either too quickly and linger to the person or attach quickly and move on rapidly. sometimes i attach at a healthy rate and keep the relationship going healthy, happy and strong for years. attaching too quickly and lingering is dangerous. i really don't like when i do this. men tend to make me have this attachment style. when it comes to guys i have a problem with attaching and getting obsessed with the guy. of course things fall apart and i'm left with nothing but my pathetic attached and obsessed self. then i get angry. and bitter. and then deep, thoughtful, annoyingly pensive. and then i get apathetic. it just clicks and i say, 'screw this!' of course it's never that easy when it comes to me. i get nervous and can't sleep. my mind doesn't slow down. it's an endless cycle of insane and unrealistic thoughts. my mind can't focus on anything but the attachee and the mess that was our relationship. while most people would shrug the thing off, it eats me up and spits me out. but people don't notice that. i don't talk about what i'm feeling. i filter all my writing on blogs. i even filter my journals sometimes. it's scary how much i hold myself inside. the only therapy i have is talking to myself in my car. i just drive around and talk. i say everything i want to say. sometimes i say things i didn't even know i was thinking or feeling. i do this about an hour a week. it's my only escape from the weird attachments i make. when i attach too quickly and linger it takes a very unhealthy amount of time for me to get over it. months, usually. bad months. even when i'm getting better i still digress and get into a bad rut. then there are the attachments that i make too quickly and then cut quickly. those tend to be friendships with other girls. it's not a good thing that i go through friends so often. every year i seem to have a new group. sometimes they'll last three years and then boom, i'll leave. nothing will happen that makes me want out, i'll just assume it's time to move on to bigger and better things. of course the things i move on to are rarely that much better. i guess my favorite time in relationships is the getting to know phase. i like people getting to know me because once they know me i figure they won't let me change. maybe it's from my parents always making me feel like i'm too young to handle things or maybe i'm just weird, but i don't like when people have a good idea about me and they can just assume they know what i'm going to do or say next. i like to keep relationships on a shallow level so i can get deeper if i want but still be able to keep my head above water. for me it's been that the deeper my friendships the worse they are. i get angry at the person for knowing that much about me and then i get angry at myself for getting angry at them. having a serious relationship like that just scares me. i want to be able to be myself and i don't want people to assume they know me. i don't know everything about me so i sure as hell don't want anyone else to know that much about me. maybe i believe that if people know that much about me that they'll be able to say, 'ok, i've figured her out, i'm moving on.' at least when i'm guarded i have the upper hand. i feel that even if they do leave me they aren't taking that much away from me. they know a little about me but nothing that i wouldn't feel uncomfortable about telling anyone. but then there are the relationships that i do get too deep with and i lose my head in them. i stop realizing what is good for me because i just want to make the relationship work. they know me, they know things that no one else does. i have to make it work. i can't let it go. i'll sacrafice my own happiness and sanity for their pleasure. i'll do things i don't like. i'll hate myself so they don't leave and take that part of me away with them. this is the type of relationship i have come to fear the most. i dread it like a plague. it scares me to death. i avoid it with all my force. i've had too many relationships where i've gotten to deep and i'm struggling to keep up. now i run away from them. i sabatoge them. i get too jealous, too scared, too weird. i say things that hurt people so they leave me. i can't bear to leave them, they have to leave me. i want to be the victim, i want to say, 'i don't know what happened' when really i was packing their bags the whole time. people leaving me isn't bad. people leave me all the time. but i leave people too. i just get tired of it, i have nothing to say because i've passed the shallow water test but am too afraid to get in the deep end. so i just float around until i'm wrinkly and get out of the water all together. there's a fine line in every relationship that you either have to cross at a certain point or just forget the whole thing. the line of getting deep. the line that divides where it's comfortable and fun but where there's not too much room to grow and where it's scary at times but so rewarding because you really get to know the other person, and yourself. most times i'm too afraid and self protecting to cross that line. i want to stay in the shallow side because i thrive there. i don't want to let my wall down. i want to stay where i'm comfortable for as long as i possibly can. that's what people don't understand about me. they think that i don't care about them, that i'm not putting enough effort into the relationship, that i've out grown them. but really i do care (most of the time), i am trying to put effort in and they really outgrow me. there's only a certain amount of time that you can be friends with someone when you've crossed the line and they haven't. i don't cross the line. i hold most relationships back because i'm living in mental health survival mode. dude, i even try to pass it off as protecting my sanity when really it drives me more insane. i don't trust people, i don't open up, i just live my own life in my own head. i drive myself nuts so i'm sure i drive everyone else nuts with it all too.
bottom line : understand that if you give me time, stability, enough attention, a sense of direction and honesty i will cross that line. i need patience, i'm like a plant. you have to care for me and make me comfortable. i'm high matenience to a point and then it's all easy riding. i've crossed the line before and once i do cross it, it's good. unless it's a bad relationship and then, well, it's bad. if people could just understand that i'm on guard so much until i feel i can actually be myself and get a little deeper then it's great.

i don't know what my point was about attachments and relationships but it felt good to say it. now i shall go.

2002-09-08T19:54:00.000-07:00

yay.

i don't know why i am so happy, but yay! haha, i am dorky today. friday i went to the wilco show up in san fran. i'll be honest - i don't know about wilco. i had heard of them, but only actually heard one song. my dad really wanted to go and seemed excited so i went. it was a great show. they were great in concert. i might have to burn the cds that i'm sure my dad is going to buy. yesterday i went to buy a laptop. woo. it was not exciting but not bad. it could have been long and boring. it took about 2 hours to find the right one for the right price but now that's over and i can go to oregon. ok, i still have a few weeks but i'm one step closer. i went to the second to last quakes game last night. it was an amazing game. a columbus own goal in stoppage time in overtime won the game for us. it was suspenseful. the quakes need to get back to their level before playoffs or someone else will be adding a star to their kit and i don't want that. esp. if it's the galaxy. ew. anyway, i know the quakes are good and they can win it. after the game amanda and i hung out and got some autographs. it was team poster night so everyone had cool posters that they wanted signed. and when landumb came everyone crushed me and i didn't get his autograph. dumb kids. oh well, i think i was pissing landumb off anyway because, well, i didn't kiss his butt. that kid has issues. he's not god! someone needs to give him that memo! jeez. today i did nothing. i didn't leave my house. it was very nice.
well dinner is ready so i'm off to eat that.

listening to: the songs i put on my computer. it's currently elvis costello but it was just robbie williams. i love this computer. woo.

2002-09-06T13:04:00.000-07:00

some blog person must have been bored to start this weird blog trend. but since i'm bored, i will continue on with the trend. here are my 100 things :

1. i don't like feeling like i'm so young when i'm on family vacations
2. i was born in minneapolis, minnesota
3. i own 300 cds
4. i've been to 100 concerts
5. i don't like when people don't pay for gas or parking
6. i feel that i'm the driver too often
7. i am a vegetarian
8. i haven't had meat for three years
9. i don't like when people say they are vegetarians but eat fish and/or chicken
10. i like cold weather
11. i am going out of state for college
12. i have good relationships with both parents
13. but i still hide a significant amount from them
14. i love watching soccer games, esp. the san jose earthquakes
15. the last book i read was white oleander
16. ghost world is my favorite movie
17. i enjoy dark humor and sarcasm
18. i don't get drunk
19. i do drink
20. i don't believe in god, heaven or hell
21. i do believe in karma
22. death doesn't scare me
23. i went on six and a half dates with the same guy this summer
24. i had a crush on his best friend for three of those dates
25. the half date was a big group thing, which i consider half a date
26. i have had one quasi boyfriend
27. the beach is cool, but i couldn't live there
28. i definately couldn't live in san diego
29. vienna is one of my favorite cities
30. new york is awesome too
31. i have pictures of/in/with the wtc, as i went to ny two years ago
32. being on the paper staff taught me a lot
33. i can drive stick shift
34. i think everyone should be able to drive stick, in case of emergencies
35. i don't read other people's blogs, but i still blog
36. maureen and amanda are my closest friends
37. camp played a huge role in my life
38. i don't like that people are so actively against homosexuality
39. i want a mini cooper
40. i have had a crush on one teacher and i didn't even have him as a teacher
41. i consider two (ex) teachers to be my friends
42. i love packing
43. i don't like unpacking after vacations
44. i'm not nervous about college
45. i like hiking
46. dashboard confessional makes me happy
47. red is my favorite color
48. i don't know if i want to get married
49. or have kids
50. i would name my daughter ava reese
51. and my son kalen ryan
52. i have never done drugs
53. i plan on working at skylark next summer
54. i'm not afraid of the word shallow
55. i think too many people are afraid of the word shallow
56. i believe that everyone is distrubed
57. i don't hate anyone i've ever met
58. i think hayden christensen is a hottie
59. i don't find vin disel at all attractive
60. i like drawing and making cards
61. i don't like talking on the phone or online
62. i am introverted about 70% of the time
63. my favorite number is 24, mainly because that is wade barrett's number
64. i don't mind being alone
65. my secret keeping ability has grown a million times this year
66. i don't like when people get credit for my ideas
67. i have a hard time following through with things
68. in the summer i only watch late night shows or the news
69. music is essential to me
70. i can play three musical instruments
71. i am a strong swimmer
72. i wear about 33% of my clothes
73. i am wearing three friendship bracelets
74. i LOVE the magazines metropolitan home and dwell
75. i am going to double major in public relations and political science
76. i don't understand most people
77. most people don't understand me
78. i like rice dream ice cream
79. blueberries are my favorite thing to eat
80. i don't like drinking milk or eating plain eggs
81. i can't stand when people have to have everyone like them
82. i have stopped gossiping by 90%
83. amelie is a great movie
84. i really want to see robbie williams in concert
85. i wear mostly sandals in the summer
86. my red converse mean a lot to me because they've been through a lot with me
87. i have had two incidents with the cops
88. both ended with them leaving and me not getting in trouble
89. i believe you can have too many friends
90. everyone cares about their appearance
91. i don't like the default font for blogger
92. i have run three red lights
93. i can type without looking
94. i love photography
95. i'm not as jealous as i used to be
96. i have seen weezer three times
97. i like my brother's girlfriend and want them to get married soon
98. subtlety doesn't work with me
99. i know what glass to use with different wines and why
100. my eyes hurt after looking at a computer for too long

well, that's over. compared to some of the other lists i looked at, mine isn't that wild. haha, i'm not wild so that's probably why. now i shall go and have a day.

listening to: the strokes, is this it

2002-08-27T11:21:00.000-07:00

one thing that i just can't get used to is looking for things that are happening in eugene now instead of san jose or san francisco. when i get a list of concerts i look for things around here - but i'm not going to be here anymore. it seemed like so far away that i was moving for so long, but now it seems pretty close. natalie leaves in two days... AH. nicole is already gone. erin leaves tomorrow, along with amelia. that is insane. i've had a lot of fun this past month with natalie and her friends. this is what summer is supposed to be like. hanging out, partying, bonfires, just crazy times. i think most of my previous friendships have been too structured and forced. we had to be doing certain things all the time (now i'm not blaming anyone for this - i had a lot to do with the need for structure). in elementary and some of middle school i could just hang out with people. we'd just go to a house and watch tv or a movie. or go to a park and talk. but then high school came and i wanted to live this perfect high school experience where i was always on the go and doing everything. oh well, i'm having fun now and that's all that matters.
last night as i was laying in bed i thought, "i have never been happier than i am right now." that is so true too. i am sublimely happy. i feel so comfortable with the people i spend my time with, i feel so comfortable just being alone. i am doing things i really want to do and there is no drama in my life. my whole mindset is to just shrug off the whole thing with the boy because a) worrying about what happened doesn't help b) i don't care enough to find out what he feels and c) i'm leaving. leaving is a lame excuse, but hey, it works for me. :D i guess the main reason i'm not trying to figure it all out and i'm not having a big breakdown about it all is because life will do this to me. life will give me weird situations and weird people and all i can do is take them in stride. there is nothing to be gained from worrying so why not take it one day at a time? exactly. even though i'm so happy now with the people around me and what i'm doing, i couldn't imagine staying here another year or two. i've heard talk that someone was going to stay here instead of go away for school because they liked the people. i couldn't imagine that. pretty soon those people will be leaving too and what would be left? a lonely person who wished they had left when they had the chance. i can't wait to leave. it's not because i have a horrible life here - it's because i know what a good life i'm going to have in oregon. there is so much potential up there that i couldn't think of not going up and taking advantage of that.
i tend to ramble on this blog about random things. it's really fun for me. haha, and who else would i care about but me? :D you know what? you have to be selfish in this world. there aren't enough people who are selfless to take care of everyone, so just worry about yourself and you'll be taken care of. going for what you want above what other people want isn't selfish - it's life. it bothers me when people think that it's selfish to have certain ways of projecting yourself that may seem snobby or controlling when really it's just survival of the fittest. you can't go far if you have your doubts and negativity chained to your leg. one of my biggest pet peeves is people who complain constantly about a problem or person but never do anything to better their sitituation. sure, complaining is enough sometimes if all you need to do is vent about a small problem. but if there's something seriously wrong, then you have to actually do something. every problem can be solved. it might not always be the solution you want, but it'll probably be better than the problem. one thing i know i want, well don't want, are friends that whine about problems that everyone has but that they think are so much bigger than anyone else's. i've had enough over dramatic friends for my lifetime. i don't need negative or self doubting people around me because all they're going to do is rub off on me. and then i'll become what i don't like.

i have to get going because maureen and i are going to be tiff and brit today, as i have to convertible for today and today only. haha, the fun we will have. :D

listening to: pink floyd, echoes (disc 2)

2002-08-25T15:27:00.000-07:00

last night was fun. me, maureen, natalie, katie, patti, tim, barry, bryan, masumi, eric and david went to the beach to have a bonfire. but we didn't have lighter fluid so barry went out to get some and it took him an hour. we just chilled at the coldish beach and ate raw smore materials. it was a fun night. hopefully the next bonfire will be more organized. when we were leaving natalie, patti and i went across hwy. 1 while mo, tim, bryan and katie were on the other side. then the three of us realized that a cop was pulling up by the parking area (where the cars weren't because beaches close at sunset or 10 or sometime earlier than it was). the cop put on his bright light and asked us if we were ok and patti and i couldn't talk. it was hilarious. natalie was quick and said we had car trouble but it's worked out now. so he drove away and we went to the road where we had all parked. barry lost his keys so he and masumi went back to the beach and bryan, mo, tim and katie came over the road and were all like, "what happened?!" and we told them. it was amusing. then we got into natalie's car and came home. well we all didn't get into her car but yeah. it was fun. more happened but my eyes are tired and i'm tired of typing.

listening to: fastball, the harsh light of day

2002-08-25T15:20:00.000-07:00

i am bored and was reading the blogs of other people. so here.

x. name = abby
x. birthday = 10.19.84
x. piercings = ears
x. tattoos = maybe
x. height = 5' 7"
x. shoe size = 9 - 10
x. hair color = auburn? i guess that's close enough
x. length = shoulder

last...
x. movie you rented = hedwig and the angry inch
x. movie you bought = life as a house
x. song you listened to = fastball, goodbye
x. song that was stuck in your head = pink floyd, wish you were here
x. cd you bought = the john butler trio, three
x. cd you listened to = fastball, the harsh light of day
x. person you've called = tim
x. person that's called you = maureen
x. person you were thinking of = maureen

do...
x. you have a bf or gf = no
x. you have a crush on someone = i haven't decided yet
x. you wish you could live somewhere else = england or hawaii
x. you think about suicide = no
x. you believe in online dating = eh, that's sketchy
x. others find you attractive = some people do
x. you want more piercings = yes, my ears
x. you want more tattoos = i have none
x. you drink = sometimes
x. you do drugs = no
x. you like cleaning = sometimes
x. you like roller coasters = yes
x. you write in cursive or print = both

for or against...
x. long distance relationships = against, what's the point? well, if it's temporary or something then maybe. ok, i don't know
x. suicide = i don't know
x. killing people = it depends
x. teenage smoking = if people want to DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH, then sure, why the hell not? as long as they're only killing themselves off then i could care less. stupid people do stupid things and they should pay the price.
x. doing drugs = if it's not hurting anyone but the person doing them, let them suffer the consequences
x. premarital sex = you can do what you want
x. driving drunk = um, against
x. gay/lesbian relationships = for

favorite...
x. food = mac & cheese
x. song = "i'm looking through you" by the beatles (i like a lot of songs, that was the first one that popped in my head)
x. thing to do = watch movies, drive, go to the beach, hang out with amusing people
x. thing to talk about = if it's funny, anything... and entertainment, beliefs and the future
x. drinks = water
x. clothes = jeans and sweatshirts
x. movies = ghost world
x. band = weezer, jimmy eat world, incubus, john mayer
x. holiday = i don't know
x. cars = mini cooper!

have you...
x. ever cried over a girl = a couple times when i had a fight with friends
x. ever cried over a boy = once
x. ever lied to someone = yes
x. ever been in a fist fight = no
x. ever been arrested = no

what...
x. shampoo do you use = herbal essences
x. perfume do you use = none
x. shoes do you wear = converse or my old navy flip flops
x. are you scared of = nothing

number...
x. of times I have had my heart broken? zero
x. of hearts I have broken? haha, two
x. of boys I have kissed? three
x. of girls I have kissed? zero
x. of continents I have lived in? one
x. of drugs taken illegally? zero
x. of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends? one
x. of people I consider my enemies? zero
x. of people from high school that I stayed in contact with? nine
x. of cd's that I own? 200 or so
x. of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? um, quite a few
x. of scars on my body? two
x. of things in my past that I regret? zero

2002-08-23T18:13:00.000-07:00

hmpf. i didn't realize that i had started to post that ben harper song. oh well, i don't really feel like finishing it so i won't. another week is ending. i went to salinas on tuesday with whisper, pixie and astrocon to visit cy and veronica. fun was had, as always. the only thing that pissed me off a little was that no one gave me gas money. driving to salinas took half a tank. and when gas is $1.65, that's not just pocket change. all these other people could have driven too and if they had i would have given them money. and we went to blockbuster and no one had their walets! ARG. they just expected me to pay. i won't do that again. that just really pisses me off. haha, money is so bad.
anyway, tonight i might be going to a bonfire at the beach, but now that it's 6, i'm not sure. it'd be fun because most of the people would be the same from natalie's party last weekend and they are fun people. if it doesn't happen then i'll do something with maureen. i went to the quakes game on wednesday. haha - i made fun of landon the whole time. it's not like the elementary school thing where you make fun of the guy/girl you like - i really don't like him. when i look at him i can't help but laugh. the hair (well lack thereof), the shortness, the tan that looks like it came out of a bottle or bed, the list could go on but i won't. it's just funny. wade is so good. the whole team is good. esp. ariel. man, that guy has real talent. it'd be nice if he used a hair tie once in a while though... eh, nevermind. it's no use focusing on the silly traits of a man that is that good at soccer. the quakes won and are now in the playoffs. it would have been so cool to see them play but i'll be in oregon. woo hoo.
speaking of oregon, it's less than 5 weeks away! i'm not exactly nervous, but i'm starting to realize that i am moving and i have no control over a lot that i'm about to encounter. i still haven't called my roommate. i guess i'm thinking, "hey, if she's bad then why know so early?" i do have to talk to her before i leave though so we can arrange tv, phone, fridge and stuff like that. soon. yeah.

ok, i'm done with blogging for now. i've started writing in an actual journal more these days because i don't like filtering myself on the blog. it's easier for me to just let whatever comes out stay out and not edit it. and i really do think people should filter themselves on their blogs. this is a blog people! anyway, just my two cents.

listening to: the wallflowers, bringing down the horse

2002-08-19T18:41:00.000-07:00

oh no
here comes that sun again
that means another day
without you my friend
and it hurts me
to look into the mirror at myself
and it hurts even more
to have to be with somebody else
and it's so hard to do
and so easy to say
but sometimes
sometimes you just have to walk away

2002-08-19T18:16:00.000-07:00

subtley doesn't work with me.

i hate that i am jealous about the whole situation. i shouldn't be. i don't like him and he was drunk so it didn't mean anything. he even told me that right now. but still i think, "hmm, what about us? does that mean nothing too?" of course it meant nothing!! i know it meant nothing. it just sort of happened. i haven't told anyone about what happened except amanda and that's all i'm going to be telling. who has he told? anyone? kevin? ah, the whole kevin thing is beyond weird. hahaha. the weirdest things happened saturday night. i love where i was. i had enough to feel it but i still kept all my senses and remember everything. it's a good place to be. i'm glad i've found my safety spot for drinking. i couldn't imagine getting pissed drunk and doing something dumb and either not remembering it or remembering it. either way would be pretty uncool. i don't understand why people use alcohol for an escape. if your life is that horrible, why not change it? there is always something that can be done to improve your situation. getting drunk just seems to magnify and create problems. seriously people, just fix things while you're sober, have a few drinks and have a good time. there's really NO need to get completely wasted.

anyway, that was very off topic. the point is, the weekend was fun. john mayer was a great concert. he was so funny... although sometimes it was unintentional. natalie was beyond amusing. she is one of my favorite people. haha. i will miss her so much when she leaves. i know we will keep in touch though because, well, she is one of the few people i actually like enough to make the effort. it sounds kind of bad but there are only about 8 people from school that i want to keep in touch with. wow, from a school of 1800 there are only 8 people i feel i want to make the effort to keep in touch with. that's insane. of course i want to keep in touch with all of my camp buddies and tara from gunn. and a few misc. people here and there. AH. i am not focusing on my blog today. i have blog A.D.D. right now. so the whole situation is dumb. there IS no situation. basically it was a couple of "right time, right place" instances and i am pretty sure that's all. we are friends. he is an interesting friend. all of natalie's friends are interesting. i like hanging out with her and her friends. they are always amusing. i like being amused. :D yes, so just writing that out made me feel a lot better. just being friends is good. i like having friends like him. they keep me on my toes and hey, if we happen to make out occasionally, where's the harm in that? :D right.

well i am going out with erin and brenna tonight and this might be one of the last times i see erin before she leaves next week so yeah. we will have fun. we always have fun. yeah. ok, that's all for now. bye!

listening to: ben haper, welcome to the cruel world

2002-08-18T15:20:00.000-07:00

john mayer was great. the whole night was good. and natalie's party was SO fun. haha. the best weekend ever. ok, maybe just this summer.

listening to: my thoughts. :D

2002-08-11T23:32:00.000-07:00

AH.

first off, weezer was amazing. we had second row tickets and were less than 25 feet away from weezer. and dashboard confessional. and sparta (i'm sure you all know and love them). and the freakishly loud speakers. maureen and i had to buy earplugs because it was unbearable. it was silly that we had to buy earplugs. concert venues should be promoting good ear care so the customers can come back rather than be deaf. oh well, i guess some people weren't going deaf because they weren't so darn close. rivers wore a suit... AH. i love suits. there is nothing sexier to me than a man in a good fitting suit. i don't like tuxes. they remind me too much of band. haha, ew. anyway, weezer played great songs and dc played my FAVORITE song, which actually surprised me. i was joyous and dancing. woo hoo. the drive to concord isn't that bad. i'm sure it'd be yucky on a weekday but it was only an hour and a little more to get up there and an hour to get home. i'd definately go up there again if a great band came there and no where closer. in conclusion, YAY WEEZER!!!

i feel like a meanie right now. i did something mean tonight. it wasn't intentional, it just happened. i don't know. i guess i am confused about something and instead of trying to sort it out, i've just been screwing with someone instead. ok, this vagueness isn't too good in helping but i don't want to go into gorey detail about my life because i don't know who is reading this and, quite frankly, i don't feel that you all need to know. i don't really understand people who put them whole selves out there and then wonder why they get hurt. people can only hurt you with what you give them. so if you tell everyone about your drunken flings, then yes, people will probably use that. if you don't, then how can someone use that as a bullet? exactly. [my personal action has nothing to do with a drunken fling, by the way, that was just an exampe] so yeah.

the last few months have been hard on me emotionally. they shouldn't have been. for some reason i made them much much harder than they had to be. it wasn't until, oh, this week, that i realized how much harder i made things for me. i kept dragging out the whole michaela/laura/rachel drama because i thought i had something there still. no, i was wrong. i think the reason i was stuck on that for so long was because those were the people i felt i connected with last year, the only people i thought i connected with last year. but then i was surrounded by my old friends, people who have actually gone through my best and worst and that made me realize that there are some deep friendships out there - and i have some. there's nothing like a bond of two people who have spent 2 months, nonstop, with each other. it's an amazing thing. and not in everyday life. out there where there's no tv, no cars, no fast food, no starbucks or easy ways out. there's just you and 4 other people trying to keep from going insane for the time. and it's just amazing. cy, whisper, lanyard, sprinkles and i will share a bond that will last for so long. and even though veronica and i just met, we too have that bond from shared memories. it was during that time when i realized how silly and dumb i was for not letting myself see what i have going for me. i was consumed with the past - a past that obviously wasn't working for me. it was a past with weird fights, weird nights and a weird me. there's no point in having friends that you can't completely be yourself around. i know i still have some buddies that i am reserved around, but that's different than holding a lot of yourself back. everyone does that with people. whether they just wear different shoes or listen to different music while they're around or if they go as far as adapting a whole other personality. in some way it's survival of the fittest. you have to have some guard with people or you'll be eaten alive. but at the same time you can't be on full guard all the time or you'll drive yourself insane and lose the real you. i think i lost a little bit of the real me last year. it's no one's fault that i did that to myself, it just happened. since about march i've been degressing. i lost some socialness, some laughter, some fun, some light and some confidence. no one took it away from me - i just lost it. but now i feel like i've come back and gained some. i'm more me than before... no, that's not what i want to say. i was always me since i can't body jump or anything, but i guess i've just followed my steps in a more abby like manner. as lame as that sounds (and it sounds quite lame), it's more or less what i want to say. being alone is the only way you can figure out what path you want to take. if there is no one influencing you then you have to go with what you want. it's not until you've lost a certain amount that you can start gaining more and appreciating it. i now appreciate every moment i'm able to spend with myself and with people i care about and that care about me in return.

i'm getting to corny for my liking. change of subject. today i went to the jazz festival. it was great. i like jazz. all the stages were amazing. people have such talent. :D the crowd was good too. very mellow and not too many people seemed to scream, "i want to be loved and i want everyone to think i am unique and confident even though i can't handle little things by myself" with their actions or clothes. that's my kind of crowd. it was hot and quite crowded later in the afternoon so we left. but all in all a good trip.

i think i shall post a song now that i like because it says things i want to say in a better way than i could say them.

I’m drunk off your kiss
For another night in a row
This is becoming too routine for me
But I did not mean to lead you on
And it’s all right to pretend that we still talk
It’s just for show, isn’t it
It’s my fault that it fell apart

Just maybe you need this
And I didn’t mean to lead you on

You were everything I wanted
But I just can't finish what I've started
There’s no room left here on my back
It was damaged long ago
Though you swear that you are true
I still pick my friends over you

Please tell me everything,
That you think that I should know
About all the plans we made
When I was never to be found
And it’s all right to forget that we still talk
Its just for fun, isn’t it
It’s my fault that it fell apart

Cuz maybe you need this
And I didn’t mean to lead you on

You were everything I wanted
But I just can't finish what I've started
There’s no room left here on my back
It was damaged long ago
Though you swear that you are true
I still pick my friends over you

Just maybe you need this
And I didn’t mean to lead you on

-new found glory

well, that's all from me for tonight. i'll try and attempt to sleep now.

listening to: the radio (channel 1049)

2002-08-10T10:47:00.000-07:00

WEEZER DAY!!!

2002-08-09T23:20:00.000-07:00

wow, that last post is crazy. i started writing the very beginning yesterday after coming home from barry's but i didn't finish due to tiredness. the whole post kind of makes my week sound boring, but it wasn't. i guess i didn't get too detailed because you wouldn't find that too amusing and because i'm tired. haha, i really am tired. can you tell? (:

2002-08-09T23:13:00.000-07:00

wow. i have not slept in my own bed in 4 nights. i have not been alone for more than an hour in 5 days. i have not been bored in 5 days. what an awesome 5 days i've had. i'll start from the beginning.

sunday i went to dinner with amanda [whisper] and then went to her house because she was having a party with her friends. so i was there but since i didn't know anyone but her, i decided to be the sober one [i know you all are surprised... ok, sarcasm for those who don't know me]. her friends were mostly really cool. and the people that showed up that she didn't know were cool too. random people were there but they weren't too bad so yeah. yes, anyway. fairly early on in the evening i noticed that the fishtank was leaking and we [amanda, kari, angel and i] had to empty the 10 gallon tank into buckets and try to save the fish [which ended up all dying anyway]. it was amusing because there wasn't too much damage to the carpet and they were kinda buzzed so they thought it was the funniest thing ever, which in turn made me think it was hilarious and yes. i was the sober one and everyone else was fairly drunk, except her boyfriend jeremy and her friend addriene, who ended up helping when people started fighting about soap and other random things. the highlight of the night was at 2:30 in the morning when kari, angel and matt wanted to get jack in the box. since they were drunk, i drove them in kari's car. first off the brakes were different than my car and kari kept freaking out about me not stopping. then matt said he had to pee and we had been in the car for hours. then, after finding out the close jitb was closed, we had to go down a bit to feed them. at the drive thru there was only one other car, a scary car if you ask me. at this point it was not exactly fun to be in a car with three drunk people you've only known for a few hours. so they start yelling at the car and telling them that they are drunk and matt yells for the three guys in the car to come dance with him. so after we got our food, i drove away as fast as i could because i didn't want to be with them anymore... in a nice way. they were nice people but i was tired and they were loud and yeah. it was probably a little after 3 am now and every light we went to was red. after about the 10th light we were all impatient and they all said to run it. since they were no cars out i decided i would only to find out about 5 feet into the intersection that there was a cop sitting at the left turn lane and kari screams 'COP' so i jerk and make a right turn so i'm at least a little legal. the cop turns and follows us a couple blocks and then, when we're stopped at a red light and in the left turn lane, he jerks from behind us into the straight lane next to us and turns his lights on. and drives away and into an apartment building parking lot. needlesstosay, it was a tense moment. but that didn't last long because matt then said, "what if crocadile dundee pulls us over?" and kari, angel and matt started talking about how amusing that would be. it would be amusing. haha, just think about that. yeah, so then we went home and i tried to go to sleep on the floor but it was uncomfortable so i got on a bed with this guy adam and tried to sleep but couldn't and ended up sleeping 20 minutes that whole night. everyone left between 4 am and 10:30 am and i came home to shower and regain composure.
it's monday now. so i went to amanda's house about an hour after i left and lanyard [stacey] had already gotten there from petaluma. she was about 30 minutes early but that wasn't a bad thing. we just chilled for awhile in amanda's house [i was on the ground from tiredness] and decided about an hour and a half later to leave and get lunch. so we just did stuff all day [like visiting sprinkles for almost two hours and hearing about her awesome france adventure] and went to see master of disguise that night with jeremy. the movie wasn't great but all in all it was a fun night. we stayed up until 2:30 monday night/tuesday morning talking and watching mtv, which was actually playing videoes... shock! we wanted to see sorority life because one of the pledges went to camp with us and, well, that's just weird. so that was monday.
tuesday we got up and took amanda to work. lanyard and i went to santa cruz and half moon bay and chilled around sunnyvale because we were waiting for amanda to get off work and for cy to call so we could figure out if she and veronica [kermit] were coming up from salinas. they ended up calling and saying they were and we got all excited. yay! let me tell you a little about cy. cy is one of my favorite people in the world. i met her two years ago at camp [my favorite camp summer ever! ah, it was simply amazing.]. she's a year older and now goes to ucberkeley and although we don't talk as much as we did before, we are still buddies. she's the type of person that makes you think and that calms you down and that just makes you say, "yay, i am great." yes, she is super awesome and everyone should have a cy. her real name is emily by the way, not cyrano. yeah, so it was really exciting that she and veronica were coming up. i had never met veronica but i had heard about her because she had gotten fired with cy. they went drinking on their night off and camp back a little hungover. they were all underage so they got fired. it was a huge shock because cy is so level minded and mellow. but then again you can't base who would do dumb things while drinking on how they are other times, can you? cy and veronica have been floating around since they were fired so they came up here. DUDE. i am babbling. cy and veronica came at about 7 and then we all left to get whisper and sprinkles for dinner. we took two cars because that's too many people for one car and lanyard ended up getting lost on the way, even though i gave her directions. she took sunnyvale-saratoga road instead of saratoga ave. oh well, i was able to get her back on track, even though i ended up picking both whisper and sprinkles up since they were so lost. we all got to the resturaunt and when we did, cy was introducing veronica to sprinkles and whisper [cy and veronica went in separate cars] and this is how it went. cy: "hey whisper, this is my girlfriend veronica." whisper: "hi!" me: (in my head) "oh, that's interesting." dinner was good and we all got along great (which is because camp people are honestly a different breed of people. only about 1% of camp people are not cool). then we went back to whisper's grandma's house and hung out for a couple hours. we drove sprinkles home and headed back to sunnyvale. lanyard, v, cy and i were all staying at my house so it was an awesome slumberish party.
wednesday we went to lunch and drove around veronica's old area in sunnyvale because she lived here a couple years back. she is so freaking funny. i don't know how anyone could not like this girl. then lanyard left to go to her next home for a couple days, which was just in los altos and veronica and cy and i chilled until i had to leave to get whisper because we were going to the earthquakes game. yay for the game. whisper happened to be in love with cobi jones for a few years now and was thrilled that the quakes were playing the galaxy (cobi's team). it was a great game, even though the quakes lost in overtime. afterwards we waited to get pictures with the hotties (yay) and veronica called because she was homeless for the night and wanted to stay with me, which was fine. so i took whisper home and got veronica and headed back to my house. veronica and cy talked on the phone for a while and then we all went beddy and that brings us to thursday.
thursday veronica and i went to pick up her check and to buy cy a birthday present. it was fun, largely due to the fact that veronica is hilarious. she asked me how long i had known about cy's sexual orientation and when i told her about 2 days, she started going nuts. she thought it was so cool how well me, whisper and lanyard handled it all considering that we had all known cy for two years and she never mentioned it to us. oh well, cy is still amazing and great and who really cares what she's into, right? right. yeah, so veronica stayed until 8 that night when she was picked up by her big sister (from the big brothers, big sisters program) who she hadn't seen in a long time and who also had cy with her because she took bart down from berkeley (cy's looking for an apartment for the year). then they left and i went to barry's house for a few hours. HAHAHA. i won't even mention anything about that.
so that brings me to friday, which happens to be today. i was woken up at 8:30 this morning by my mom and brother who both told me that i had to get ready for the fedex guys to deliver a package that i'd have to sign for. i was SO mad because i had gone to bed at 2 this morning and, well, i was tired. so i went downstairs and slept until 12:30 when i decided i'd just take a shower and move on with my day since this fedex guy wasn't coming. of course right when i'm done with my shower i look outside and see the fedex truck, so i run downstairs in my robe and open the door only to find out that i didn't have to sign for the package anyway. ARG. oh well, it's not worth getting mad about since i slept again anyway. yeah, so then i had lunch and went to natalie's house to see her kittens, which were freaking scared but super cute. and i saw her laptop and now i really really want my laptop. :| OOOOH! i found out my roommate and dorm today!!! i got into the intensive academic hall, which i wanted because they have extended quiet hours and i love quiet time when i'm 'home.' my roommate is from texas. i think that's awesome. i haven't called her yet because i want to make sure she got her room papers so i don't freak her out. yay! i'm glad my roomie isn't from the west coast because now i have a place to visit. haha. i'm sure she'll be cool and yay. i'm very excited. tonight i went out with whisper for a few hours and then got too tired to drive so i took her home and here i am. i was going to go to barry's after i took whisper home (that was the plan from this afternoon before i got so tired) but i had to cancel since, well, i am tired. this week just caught up with me tonight. ah, i can't believe how much fun this week has been. it's by far my favorite week of the summer. woo hoo.
tomorrow maureen and i go to weezer. YAYAY. i am SOOOOO excited. plus dashboard confessional! yay! this is going to kick butt. i've been listening to lots of weezer and dashboard to prepare myself for this concert.

i'm exhausted. i need to get some rest. haha, i never finished that last post. oh well, it wasn't too exciting anyway. hey, if i haven't seen you in awhile (and i know you), call me and we can get together before school starts. mm, i don't think anyone i know reads this anyway. hell, i don't think anyone reads this. oh well, i enjoy it still.

listening to:weezer!!! the green album

2002-08-02T16:50:00.000-07:00

yay. it's friday! and august. this summer has zoooomed by.

so my petaluma friend isn't coming until monday, which is a little bummer but at least she's still coming. :) i'm not sure if i'll go to amanda's party anymore since stacey won't be there... i guess i'll wait and see. it's funny [and lame] how excited i am for next summer. since i was going into third grade, so about 9 years, i've gone to this girl scout camp by santa cruz. i didn't go last summer because of europe or this summer because i was supposed to be working, but i'm planning to go next summer as a councelor. i've always wanted to be one because i looked up to every councelor i had, which is quite a few since i went multiple times some summers. it'd be so amazing to work with impressionable girls for a summer and to form bonds that would last for years [with other counselors, not the campers]. i met stacey and amanda through camp and we are great friends. i never would have met amanda even though she only lives 15 or so minutes away. yes, it's fun knowing her and all the people i've met from camp that i still talk to are great too.

i wanted to write more but i lost interest and am chatting with too many people.

listening to: the very best of elvis costello

2002-08-01T10:56:00.000-07:00

i'm back from my vacation. it was a lot of fun. i'd never been to the grand canyon and now i have. it's pretty but not one of those things that i'd want to go to again for a dozen or more years. the rest of the weekend was fun too. i got a little sunburned and, despite my best efforts, did not eliminate my tan line from senior ditch day back in may. oh well, next year i won't be wearing shorts so it's all good.

speaking of next year, i decided to change my major from a b.a. to a b.s. this means i have to take math instead of language, which may sound crazy but i have reasons. since i passed my ap test, i already have 4 credits of math. i only need 8 more, which is 2 quarters. i'd need 6 quarters of spanish to get my b.a. and i want to double major or at least double minor, so the extra 4 quarters would be extremely helpful in my quest to do so. and that is why i changed my major thing. so now i start class on 2pm on monday, noon tuesdays, thursdays and fridays, and 11 on wednesdays. hah. my first schedule had me starting at 9, then my second was 10 and now it's much later. i love my schedule. i'm very happy with my classes, although i haven't taken them yet so they may suck, but at least the topics are interesting. :D

yeah, i don't know about my last post. i've been thinking about how i want to change to past too much. so what, my senior year wasn't the best. life will suck sometimes, there will be things i'm not too happy about. i accept that. i realize that people are going to hurt me and i'm going to hurt people. the more attached i get, the more risk i run of getting hurt, but that doesn't mean i shouldn't get attached. keeping 'shallow level friends' (not shallow friends, not shallow friends, just the level of the friendship. should i say that again? the people aren't shallow...) is fine until i want something more, and then it's just impossible because you can't suddenly change the whole basis of a relationship. senior year was amazing in the sense that it made me learn many valuable things about people, life, love and myself. now i can tackle college with a new sense of everything and that's good. no, that's great.

anyway, i've been spending much time with amanda lately. it's been super fun. we're always on the same page, which is amusing. my friend from petaluma is coming down this sunday and we're having a party at my friend amanda's house sunday, then monday we're hanging out, tuesday we're going to santa cruz. she (stacey from petaluma) is staying with amanda sunday night (me too) and monday night and then with me tuesday night. yay!!! i am so excited for this. then wednesday i'm going to the quakes game with amanda and yay! next week is weezer!!!! woo hoo.

i finished another book, girlfriend 44. at first i wasn't into it but after about 170 pages (the book is about 400 pages long) i got really into it and actually started debating about the plot with myself in my car. the end wasn't what i wanted, but that's not to say it wasn't good. it was a funny book in a crass way. cynical and sarcastic and british (not to say that british is a form of humor, it's just saying that the book is british and uses british words which are sometimes different and ok, i'll stop now). yes, so read it if you want a british and funny but kind of long book.

now i must go organize my pictures and call about tomorrow. the end.

listening to: the strokes, is this it

2002-07-25T11:13:00.000-07:00

mm. another day.

the quakes won! woo hoo. it was a good game. my graziani sign would have been very appropriate.

as sadistic as this may sound, i think it'd be kind of cool if this summer were actually last summer and i could do my senior year over again, with full and exculsive knowledge of the already lived senior year. if i could just have this be july of 2001 and my whole last year of high school ahead, i think that'd be very interesting. there's a few things i know i'd do differently. ben, for example. the whole mess with ben and kirstee would be dealt with in a more mature and effective manner. i'd be better friends with both from the start and make my intentions with ben much clearer than i did this year. there's wouldn't be that stage of just toying with each other. i'd be stronger with my need to have all or nothing of him, i wouldn't sit around and wait for him to decide between me and kirstee. i'd give it full effort and be more available and give more to make it work. and i'd be honest with kirstee. she's such a cool person and all that drama was completely unnecessary. i'd make sure she knew that i wasn't a threat to her and ben, although i suppose i would be but since she was never romantically interested then i wasn't. yes, so that'd all be different. and i'd keep better lines of communication with mica. i don't know how, but toward the middle of the year our lines got murky and it was not so cool. mica is great and i would try to avoid murkyness with her anytime. and the whole 'group' drama with rachel at the beginning and then with everyone at the end. i'm not sure how i could have helped that other than going into the whole thing slower. it was so much so fast that it made my head spin, and i think it made others' heads spin as well. there was no valid reason for what was done to rachel to be done. i guess at the time we all just craved, subconciously i hope, the drama and thrill of telling someone all their flaws because she might have annoyed us once or twice. but no, it wasn't worth it or effective. the rest of the year was drama filled, which i will take some responsibilty for. the year made me realize that laura and michaela would always be a million times closer to each other than they would be to me, so i reacted by drawing away and trying to find something stable with another friend relationship, which was maureen. at the time i thought that i wasn't that close with michaela, mainly because people who didn't like her kept telling me that i shouldn't like her (a lame reason not to like anyone, i may add), but i was totally close with her. i can't believe that i actually said she wasn't my friend in my dumb butt 'secret abbyc' blog. that was so freaking dumb! of course we were friends. i don't know who i laughed with or smiled with or shared more with in my senior year. she was always there for me and she actually cared about me. i'd never had a friend who i hadn't known forever, so it was weird having to take an active role in getting to know them. but michaela was awesome at that. she really wanted to know what i was feeling and who i was. i think realizing that know only makes me feel dumb for letting her go and for getting so caught up in the jealousy of her and laura. i said before that i wasn't jealous of them, but come on, of course i was a little jealous. all i wanted to was to be closer to the level that they were at. but it was just too hard since i couldn't let my gaurd down and they spent so much time together. i guess i didn't want to settle for being just kinda good friends with them, so i went the dumb way out and am no longer friends with either of them. hah, so dumb. yeah, so if i could relive my senior year, i'd stay with ben, kirstee and i would be great friends, mica and i wouldn't of had that crappyness, and, in my opinion most importantly, i would be friends with laura, michaela and rachel. of course, even if i were to relive my year, there's no way i can guarantee that things would go my way anyway. but at least i'd have a little more power over how screwed up my year could get. :)

well i feel like i am writing a lot in the hope that 1) no one reads this and 2) the right people read this. i don't want to go post my blog on other people's guestbooks to get it out there. maybe people randomly search my name? mm. i doubt it. i should just assume that no one i know reads this and you are reading this because it was one of the most recently updated blogs on blogger.

this is my most cynical blog yet. my rocketabby, rsgg, abbyc blogs were so filtered by me. this is not as filtered by anymeans, which means it will result in hurt feelings or stepped on toes or something. it's not my intention for this to offend you or anyone, it's just my blog folks. haha, i remember hearing that before on a blog. and of course it was me that was getting bashed so of course it hurt. but yeah, i'll try to keep bashing others to a minimum and the direct feelings from me relevant and honest.

summer makes me bored and that makes me blog. i should go find some entertainment.

listening to: blues traveler, four

2002-07-24T17:31:00.000-07:00

lalala. well it looks my expectations have once again led me to be let down.

i'm feeling very blah right now. i've felt blah pretty much all day. today was tara's birthday so i dropped a card off. it was good to see her but it made me realize how much has changed in the five years since she moved. i miss the days when we were best best friends and had nothing but fun. those were such good days. tara always brought out the best in me. she was the one who made me go with the flow, try hard and get out of my shell to do things that i wouldn't normally have done but that i really wanted to do. when she left, the 'tara effect' stayed with me for a year or so and then i became less and less like that person. if i could find someone like tara in college, that'd be great. few people have brought out the side of me that tara did. cy maybe. megan sometimes. but it was about 98.7% of the time with tara. i hate that she moved away and that all changed. woo, i used hate in a reasonable manner.

anyway, that was pretty much all i did today. i leave in 9 weeks exactly. that is so freaking long. if the next 9 weeks are all like today was, i might very well go insane. but of course they will be much better, as i have things planned. oh wait, that doesn't mean that the weeks will be better. anyway, i'm sure they'll be better because, well, just because. actually, 9 weeks isn't very long in the bigger picture. it will be so great to leave. i think i'll rather enjoy the newness of it all, even all the bad crap i'm sure i'll endure.

in other news, last night was highly entertaining. erin and i went to dinner in san josie. then we went on a night hike, which ended up being great and timing was super so we didn't miss anything. the moon was so beautiful. yes, we decided to do that again before we leave for school.

waiting for:the quakes game to start so i can go online and matchtrack it
listening to:phantom planet, phantom planet is missing

2002-07-22T22:34:00.000-07:00

i have never told anyone that i hate that i hate them. that means i don't use the word hate in the right context at all. it's amusing how easily little words like that can be used out of context. hate, love, shallow, friend. to me they mean such different things than i'm sure they mean to you. why would i tell someone i actually hate that i hate them? why would i waste my energy and emotions on that? i don't fight with people i don't about. i don't bother dealing with people i don't want to have in my life.

that doesn't make sense to you, i'm sure. isn't it mind baffling how big the world is? we spend so much time consumed with little details in our lives - too many guys, too few friends, not enough money, excess choices, what to do, when to do it. does it matter? yes and no. of course it matters that we are all happy. but when i say that, i mean it matters that we are all happy with ourselves. quite frankly i'd rather be myself and be happy than stick around in a crappy relationship soley to avoid hurting the other person - no matter how dope they are. people come and go, whether we like it or not, and the only constant is ourself. i'm leaving in in 7 weeks and i'm going somewhere where i know no one. those people could care less about what or who i'm doing now because once i get there, i'm there. this whole part of my life isn't going to matter except in how i decide to learn from it. if i spend my time getting upset at how i'm leaving and how things will never be the same, then i'm just being silly. of course things are never going to be the same! it'd be the same way whether i was going a million miles away for college or next door. everything changes, everyone changes and it's just something that people need to embrace. all things end - good and bad, but that doesn't mean something equally good or better won't come around again. i'm babbling and sounding like a preacher.

tonight i watched a great movie and it made me think about a lot of things. movies that get me thinking are the best. i'm not sure how many other people would share my love for this movie, it's a tad off subject but so interesting and great.

my chapstick thing has a few updates. first off, it's impossible to be addicted to chapstick, just the feeling of it. secondly, i decided that most people do use chapstick, just not as much as i do. so i am using chapstick in moderation. i don't carry it with me when i go out and i am not running to find more when i get the slightest urge. lastly, i've been very happy with my results. i didn't know i could do so well with my battle and i know that other people didn't have much confidence in me either. but then again, i'm used to having people doubt me because it's happened my whole life, whether they want to admit it or not. ok, not going into that right now. yes, so going along with the great saying that is my motto, everything in moderation.

well now i'm tired and tomorrow i go to the doctor for my arm. plus i'm going out with erin so i really need to rest up for that. we have an exciting night planned - woo hoo.

movie i have a new love for: sidewalks of new york
question: does anyone get the title for this blog? i've been wondering.
listening to:john mayer, room for squares

2002-07-22T16:18:00.000-07:00

I'm completely down-to-earth!

Find your soul type at kelly.moranweb.com.

2002-07-20T15:08:00.000-07:00

i closed my rocketabby blogs because i didn't really want them, but i kind of want a blog to play with once in a while. so this will be that blog.
summer is about half over. woo hoo. it's been everything i honestly thought it would be. i never have very high summer expectations, more so for this summer than ever. during the past school year i had really high expectations for all the breaks. well they all went nothing like i had hoped and i was always greatly disapointed, so that's when i realized that breaks aren't all that great. it's not like movies where they go to far away places or anything.
yeah, so summer is going like i thought, which isn't to say it's going bad. it's far from bad.
my current project is giving up chapstick, which is riduously hard. i've been a hardcore addict for five years. imagine doing drugs for five years and then quitting. yes, it'd be hard. i've never yelled at myself so much as i have these past two days. it's the only way to keep myself going since i have no discipline of any sort from my parents (not just on the chapstick matter). so i walk around my house with my fractured arm yelling at myself about not giving in to the chapstick demons. it's an amusing sight and i can just hear all of you laughing now. don't worry, i'm laughing too.
i have a busy rest of the summer to look forward to. here's a look :

july :
saturday, 20 : earthquakes game
wednesday, 24 : earthquakes game
saturday, 27 : arizona to visit aunt & the grand canyon

august :
saturday, 3 : norah jones
saturday, 10 : weezer!!! (row B tickets! yay!)
wednesday, 14 : area two festival
friday, 16 : john mayer
saturday, 17 : earthquakes game
wednesday, 21 : earthquakes game
friday, 30 : san diego for vacation

september :
friday, 6 : wilco
saturday, 7 : earthquakes game
sometime between the two games : going to disneyland
saturday, 21 : earthquakes game
wednesday, 25 : leave for college!
monday, 30 : first day of classes

yes, that is the rest of my summer. of course i'll be doing more as it arises and all.

this is not a secret blog, but it is not a blog i'm going to actively publicize. if i didn't give you the address, don't worry, i didn't give anyone the address.

Which Weezer Song are You?

surprise of the day: getting a three on my stat ap test... woo hoo
craving: a carmel machiatto from starbucks
listening to: weezer, the blue album